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I was with the Secret Service on protection duty until I took a bullet for Taft, at which point I turned to a life of professional wrestling, amateur comedy, and novice gambling. However, in a freak accident where I joked about placing a bet on me taking a dive in an upcoming match, I had to go underground to avoid getting whacked by the Russian mob. So, on my 7th birthday I found myself living among the Amish where I learned such skillz as raising a cow, milking a cow, churning butter, and performing secret assassinations on foreign leaders (who would suspect us technologically-impaired folk?). Then one day I found myself banned from the farm for swearing, at which point I turned to a life of petty crime until I was 9. A kind stranger found me living on the streets and introduced himself as Gandalf and invited me to mount his white horse, which looked an awful lot like just a non-descript white van without windows. A nearby deaf policeman heard the noise and after shooting two dead boys, turned his gun on Gandalf, after which point I inherited a white van and used it to begin my own newspaper delivery service. I became close friends with one of the customers on my normal route, who was a scientist working on a cure for cancer (+1 happiness), and after one of my thrown newspapers knocked over some beakers that created the right combination, he had made his discovery. He promised to include me in the news of his discovery, but I declined, since I did not want my photo in the newspaper. Once he began to publish his work, a large pharmaceutical company making anti-cancer drugs hired the Russian mob to have the scientist killed. True to his word, he did not give them my name, but the mob was intrigued about a paperboy who would not want to be famous. On my 10th birthday, the Russian mob placed a Happy Birthday notice for me in the newspaper in the obituaries. Bollocks - they had connected the dots and found me at last! I made a run for it, spending most of my birthday on a plane to Beijing, where I hoped to blend into the crowds. It worked and for 5 years, I was finally free of the burden. I became a household servant, emptying chamberpots for different important poopers (well that wasn't their official title, but when that's all you're exposed to...). Over the years, I overheard many overtly covert discussions about overthrowing the government in one grand overture by cover of technological night. Being 1/8th Amish, I had no idea what technology was, so I studied and learned and became learned in the ways of technological ninjitsu, programming by day, and pirating video games by night (usually ones that had me shooting zombies in the head - don't forget to double-tap). I began to become frustrated by the slow speed of pirating and limited selection of games, so I decided to invent a way to pirate games faster, and I invented the Internet, which Al Gore later took credit for doing (and although he worded it as though he only played a minor role in its funding, right-wing truthsayers read between the lines and said what he was REALLY trying to say all along, but they conveniently left my name out to protect their fellow American). On my 17th birthday, I figured I should become a vampire on my 21st birthday so I could retain my ridiculous good looks at an age where I could still enjoy all the pleasures of life and only have to suffer minor inconveniences when renting a car. I was out of cash and couldn't find an ATM, so I decided to walk to Kentucky (which later inspired the film Forrest Gump). After a confusing visit to Transylvania University there, I realized I was headed in the wrong direction, and walked back to the east coast, where I set sail for Transylvania (I could not fly, since I was not yet a vampire and didn't want to flash my ID at an airport either). Three years later, my canoe reached the shores of France. I was glad to eat something besides the flesh of great white sharks, but the delicacies of France were pretty lackluster, so I taught them how to make croissants (an idea I had while rowing one day) and crepes (an idea that comes to mind naturally after thinking up croissants). The French loved it so much that they created a museum in my honor, though I never quite got how the Latin origins of "Jonathan" resulted in "Louvre". Still, it was a nice gesture, and I asked them to hide the giant bust of my head so that the Russian mob wouldn't realize I had been there, but that I would pass along news of its existence during my travels as an expression of thanks. I kept my word, passing along the news as I traveled through northern Italy and Austria. The Italians were so delighted by the news that they created lasagna in my honor. Again, not sure about the origins, but now I had an idea that the letter "L" in Latin somehow corresponded to the "J" in English. It was a pretty good start, but its popularity really took off after they added my suggested ingredient: flat noodles. And so I made my way to Transylvania, where I discovered the last remaining vampire. It turned out that they didn't suck blood at all, but they WERE capable of making people immortal. Dracula and I became good friends and one day he agreed to turn me, and 3 days later, I woke up to life in high-def (a term which I later licensed to Sony, Samsung, and Phillips). I was so overjoyed that I decided to make my famous chef salad for Dracula. On the saddest day of my life, Dracula slipped in the kitchen and fell upon my wooden salad knife and turned into dust at which point I realized I wasn't completely invulnerable as a vampire and decided to use my global influence to ban wooden salad knives, leaving only wooden salad spoons and forks to remain in the world. Sadly, a pyromaniac named Hitler witnessed the global burning of these wooden knives and wanted to burn more, so he decided to burn books. One thing led to another, and suddenly I had to go use my Amish training to infiltrate the Third Reich and put a stop to his madness. With my assassin training and time spent among Chinese ninjas, I was able to make it look like a suicide. Things were pretty quiet for a while. I stopped the occasional war here and there, but things were boring until I discovered a magic lamp with a genie that granted me three wishes. Luckily, he didn't have any preset terms and conditions, so I could keep asking for more wishes. After watching Back to the Future, I asked for a DeLorean that could not only travel to any spot in time, but could also allow me to rearrange different events so they would happen in any order I desired. So I played with that for a bit, and it was fun. Then I got kinda bored until the day that I got my greatest idea ever - spy on people but have THEM tell ME what they were doing. So I created Facebook. Today I changed my profile.