McSlaughter

LEGO City: Undercover is just the beginning. It’s only a matter of time before LEGO: Grand Theft Auto starts teaching your kids about the wonders of extortion, murder, and oppressive society with bright and colorful blocks.

E3 is a time for celebration. It showcases all the exciting things that are going on in the world of gaming, and gets us incredibly hyped for games that will either be incredibly awesome or incredibly bad. LEGO City: Undercover is one of those in-betweeners, the kind of game where we’re not sure if it’ll be hilariously fun or laughably awful. In response to its reveal, we’ve decided to go ahead and plot out the future for you here by using our magical glass ball to preemptively announce that Nintendo is inevitably going to partner with Rockstar in order to create a LEGO City: Grand Theft Auto series before the year is out in lieu of these events.

That’s a partnership which was almost certainly signed in human blood.

LEGO: Grand Theft Auto will be developed by Rockstar Games in 2014 after a partnership is struck with Nintendo once Rockstar realizes that getting on the Nintendo third-party program and developing some games for the 3DS and WiiU is the only way they’re going to be able to bounce back from Rainbow Dead Redemption: Gay Pride.

For those who don’t yet know, Scooter Marston, John Marston’s great-great-grandson, will star in this LGBT-oriented game, in which he will march in the San Francisco gay pride parade after kicking some homophobic non-progressive ass with a double-barreled shotgun. (The game might do poorly, but it’ll still be kickass!) The game is slated to release in the first quarter of 2013.

Once Rockstar Games gets on board with Nintendo, we’ll start seeing teaser trailers and ARGs featuring disgruntled looking LEGO figurines of hot cars, money, and hookers.

Who do I make the check out to for five hundred copies of this game?

Once this game has garnered more hype than Halo 3, Half-Life 3, and Ricochet 2 combined, Rockstar Games will inform us it’s creating an exclusive subscription-fee based service which offers all members stats, day-one frivolous DLC, and a feeling of entitlement and superiority. From there, Nintendo will announce its new digital distribution service called Gas, which will offer all Nintendo games with free DRM, always-online requirements, and have absolutely no relation to Valve’s service Steam.

After the excitement cannot be contained any further, LEGO Grand Theft Auto will launch. Everyone in the world will either die from the initial force of the awesome or they’ll be killed in the aftermath. The few that survive the holocaust will get to play as Lego Bellic, a yellow man who lives by his own rules and is struggling to make his way in LEGO City, U.S.A. by turning away from his dark LEGO-smuggling past by killing innocent LEGOs in some debacle of ironic hilarity. There will also be platforming elements. So I guess you should be excited about that, too.

(You can read this article on my blog, the Respectable Gentlemen's Organization, here. Check out everything else on RGO here.)