Need input on a game story I'm working on Thread

I'm new here, so I don't know where to post, but I need some unbiased input on the story for a game I'm working on. The google drive doc is here: Docs.google.com

Feel free to email me tyeatsbagelsgames@gmail.com

I was able to get through the first 7-8 pages, but have to head out shortly so won't have more time.

However I don't think I need to read anymore for the few major pieces of advice I have:

Positives:

1. Using a famous writer's structure is great for making sure you have the core story elements. This could also be a negative in some ways though (see negatives #2)

2. You have an interesting idea that's relatable for a lot of people in today's world. It reminds me a lot of OMORI, which if you haven't played I would highly recommend for research if anything. It was extremely well received and was made by a small team using rpgMaker.

3. I love your overall tone and world building! You've clearly spent a lot of time on Fin and Peeko's relationship... But seeing how it's grounded in some depressing topics... I hope you're okay man...

Negatives:

1. Probably the biggest, it doesn't read or feel like it could be an interactive game. I could imagine a visual novel or an animated movie, but besides the rock paper scissors part (which was just a coverup for more narrative) you had 10 pages of story with no gameplay breaks. You should assume a page is about 30-60s of screen time, and that's when it's mainly dialogue. Your story's still in omniscient narrator form so 10 pages is actually double or triple that time.

2. To tie into the first point I remarked as a positive, I think the lack of identity comes from the script being too heavily influenced by Dan Harmon's style which is perfected for TV/Films. While games follow the same elements of a great story, the way they are delivered is much different.

Advice

1. Find out what genre this game is. What's the perspective (1st-Person, 3rd-person, etc.) How will it play? Is it an action game, a puzzle game, a series of very different mini-games? Drawing some maps and sketching out a level design could help.

2. I know you asked for advice on your story, but the one thing I've learned while writing my own narratives, is you need to consider gameplay and how it enhances and adds to your story/world building rather than thinking about it after the story is ready.

Overall great job! It takes a lot of effort to write that much and be willing to share! I would also like to add that I'm by no means a professional game dev. I've written a lot of stories in my time and consider writing a bit of a passion. The game I'm focused on also came from a story I spent a long time crafting. If you ever have time I'd love to get feedback as well!