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Comments on my storyline so far (Forums : Writing & Stories : Comments on my storyline so far) Locked
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Jun 10 2014 Anchor

Where am I? Its warm and it smells like something is burning. All I see ahead of me is darkness. I take a few steps foward, when I suddenly start to hear faint laughter. I turn around to see a woman in the distance. It is strange, she is laughing cheerfully but all I feel is sadness, its as if she were a close friend or sibling I've lost. I start to walk toward her but she walks away. Always laughing.
When I finally meet her, she disappears. I search for her but and in her place a man appears. I have never seen this man before but I feel nothing but hate and anguish towards this man. I try to run, but he is always behind me with the same blank expression almost as if he is mocking me. I turn around to meet him, but he is no longer there, instead it's me.
All he does is stare at me when suddenly he falls to the ground. He starts to cry, so I take three steps back. He stops crying and glances at me. He starts to laugh, almost like a demon. The air has become stiff its like I am being suffocated. I take three more steps back. He looks straight into my eyes; his eyes are bloodshot, and his laugh is louder and more devilish.
I feel an intense fear course through my body. The air is almost none existent, I am struggling to breathe. When I glance at my doppelganger he is still laughing but his face seems sad, like he can not control himself. I unsheathe my sword and look onto my double in horror; what is happening? He starts to call my name, "Fang. Wake up, Fang". He starts to shout, "wake up, Fang!" I suddenly wake up. My sister is in the doorway. I think to myself, what could that dream mean?
"Hey Fang, wake up. You told me you would teach me how to shoot my bow today," she whines. "Alright Elisia, go get your bow, and I'll meet you outside" I say. Elisia leaves and I sit up in my bed. All I can think about is that dream. It has been showing up almost every night this past week. I do not know why but I can feel an ill omen about to surface.
"Come on Fang hurry up," she shouts as she runs down the stairs. "I'm on my way now," I shout back. I stand up from my bed and go to my closet to change my clothes. I grab my sword and scabbard and I start to walk downstairs to my front door. Elisia is outside in a brown vest with black pants, and her bow and quiver are slung across her shoulder. She is also wearing a key our mother gave her as a keepsake like a necklace.
"Are you sure you want to bring your key with you," I ask. "Yes I'm sure," she says. "I never leave home without it, its the only thing I have to remind myself of our mother. You got a sword and I got this key," she says. I remember that day, the day our mother passed. She died from a disease that swept across our land and nearly wiped out half our population. Her body grew weak and her appetite dwindled. Soon she became emaciated, and layed in bed everyday. Never moving except for the times she wrote in a book.
I was in her room cleaning it one day when she started the cough and wheeze. She told me to get Elisia and bring her into her room. Before I was able to walk to the door Elisia walked in with tears in her eyes. She knew what was happening.
Our mother looked down as if holding back her tears. She picked her head up and looked at Elisia. "Elisia hold out you hand" is what she said. Elisia held her hand out and our mother placed a key on her hand. It had an interesting design. There was a emerald green gemstone in the middle of the key with multiple loops leading back to the middle of the key.
She closes the key in Elisia's hand and tells her "Ple...Please *cough* protect this key with your life *cough* *hack* I... I assure you it will all make sense one day". She turns her head toward me, and she looks like she is in pain. She looks straight into my eyes and a tear starts to form.
She starts to lift her arm up slowly and points to the sword hanging on the wall. "Fa... Fang ple *cough* *cough* please take that sword, use it to *cough* to protect your sister. She is what will determine ev*cough* everlasting peace or neverending*hack* chaos
Tears start to flow from her eyes as she stretches to hug us. She groans in pain and starts to cough and wheeze. We embrace her and she starts cry. I can feel her warm tears fall on my arm and shoulder. Her breathing becomes shallow and starts to slow down. I can feel her breath on my back.
As her breathing starts to diminish I can feel her coming closer to death's door. She inhales a big breath and says her final words "I... I will always love you, I... *cough* Always know I will always be*hack* be beside you". Her tears start pouring from her eyes "I...I will always love you".
She breathed her last breath. I felt it on my flow across my back and it was warm. Her body feels tense and her grip was tightened, like she did not want to leave. Elisia could not hold her tears anymore. I looked toward fighting back my own tears to no avail. "Elisia don't worry" I say with tears falling down my face "We... we have each other, our mother loved us lets honor her wish"
I moved our mother's arm off myself and gently layed it down on the bed. I started to walk toward the wall and I grasped the sword in my hand. I unsheathed it and gazed upon the silver blade. Words were etched upon the blade and it said "Protect others not just yourself". I looked up and said "I will mom, I will fulfill your wish".

I guess I will ask for support elsewhere if I could delete this thread and my account I would.

But I will continue to make my game.

Edited by: MaestroWinterwalk

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