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Post news Report RSS I am very sorry!

While this is not an update of the mod, I just want everyone to know this, I am deeply sorry! I mean that in full sincerity. Where do I start?

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*Disclaimer!* - To anyone that think this is some "Oh he is just writing a drama story for attention!". No I am not. All of this has been a burning fear inside of me and I feel I should deeply apologize to everyone who has been part of this mod, and the fans of the mod.

While this is not an update of the mod, I just want everyone to know this, I am deeply sorry! I mean that in full sincerity. Where do I start?

At first when I started this mod, I was exited! I was ambitious. I was very determined to make my own custom story and in hopes that people all over YouTube will play it, especially Pewdiepie, since he was the biggest youtuber for Amnesia custom story lets plays. I learned all I could when I first started out on the HPL2 engine (Amnesia engine that runs the game). I did not know what kind of story I wanted to make, but I wanted to make one none the less, and all my steam friends where very supportive of me of my project. I felt like the center of the universe honestly, even though I know that is never true in our
lives. So I was learning the ropes of game modding with HPL2 engine, everything seemed to go fine, this was in the year early 2011 I think.

As the months rolled by, I was on and off of working on whatever was going to come about of my project. I was focusing on collage at the time. As the fall semester rolled on in 2011, a spark of an idea hit my head in class. "I could take that haunted painting 'The Hands Resist Him' and make a story out of
it!". Sadly though, as more months rolled by up until summer of 2012, all of my very first draft of story was very bad. The classic overpowered demon villain, Henry's wife being damsel in distress still did not know how all of my first ideas of characters centered around the haunted painting. As the year of 2012
rolled by, I became much closer and closer to my mod. I could not stop thinking about it. I wanted to know so badly how my first draft story idea could be centered about the haunted painting. And in the process, I was still thinking of level progression ideas, what levels should the player go though and such. I
got so attached to my mod that I started to care less about school, thus failing most of my classes. But not math, I always loved mathematics.

I think, if my memory is correct, somewhere in 2012, I think late 2012, a voice actor wanted to be part of my project! I did not expect it. I liked the voice, so I put him in the project, then a couple weeks later, another voice actor joined. I will refrain from saying who these voice actors are as I feel that is
private confrontational stuff at this time. So by the fall of 2012, I was working on the first draft to my script. Everything seemed like it was sort of smooth sailing.

As the year 2013 hit, I was still clanged to my mod just as ever, and still failing most of my classes in collage. I honestly did not care; I just knew deep inside something great was going to come about my project. When I gave the voice actor's there lines to voice over, I made the biggest mistake anyone could make; I did not look over the script thoroughly. Resulting in basically having a few months roll by, and thus me realizing my mistake I just made. I looked over at my mod, the levels, story, character's rolls, all of it was horrible! I literally basically ripped of Silent Hill 2's story in a way in the end. I felt ashamed of myself for not pushing my creative mind. And I was using most of the horror tracks from Silent Hill series, which I knew was not original at all. So I explained to the voice actors that I was going to do a final revision and relay, RELAY pay attention to every single word a character says and how it plays out logically to their relationships to other characters and their environment that they might be in. The voice actors agreed that I do a final revision as I should have.

...that was in the year 2013; it is now February 24, 2015! It should have been long
done! What happened? While I can safely say that yes the story is near full completion, and I can also
safely say that the story is very deep, detailed, and hopefully interesting, so
going back to that huge gap.

In the early years of 2013, I had a clear direction of what levels I wanted, and It felt right, fresh, not copying anyone else for a change. I also wanted to make my own models, but that never happened or will for technical and time restraint reasons. But I was still somewhat motivated. But I also noticed that the motivation was dying down, as each day passed, as each month rolled by, all the way though late 2013, I would work on that script less and less. Maybe it was just too much looking at it, too much trying to think of words, too limited in my imagination as I honestly do not ever relay read books.

I started to feel depressed at this stage. I was failing my classes still, I was surprised my parents still allowed me to continue collage, and all this time I never relay told my father my grades as I was in deep fear of him kicking me out of college. My brain releases dopamine when I succeed at something major in
my life, it could be passing that test, or writing the best music I can, which did lead me out of my depression for a bit.

I just wanted something to get me going, to give new inspiration to continue with the revision and find out what the missing story gaps where, as I was slowly connecting the dots of what the story is now. My other hobby besides this project is writing my own music. I use FL Studio as my main digital audio workstation. So in November 26, 2013, I decided to delete all of the music I was going to use and just decided I would make my own tracks, for every single level, character themes, and certain situations. While this did get me motivated again, and it did work for a while, but I knew in the back of my head, that "Finish your script! It was way overdue! Finish! Finish!".

Thoughts where racing in my mind at the time and honestly still are right now. "What if the voice actors decide to just drop the project on me?", "I've been on this story script thing for far too long, why would they still want to be apart of this?". I ignored most of the thoughts, and relay tried to focus back on school because it was not looking good and I knew my father would ask the question, "How are you doing in school?". I knew I could not hold out any longer, I knew he would eventually crack on me. So I put away my mod for 80% of the time during the year of 2014.

But at the sometime during 2014, I knew the voice actors where still waiting. I felt relay horrible about myself. The feelings of being a failure lingered me though out 2014. On a side note, I was working at Walmart at the time too. That job started late 2013. I hated that job, but thankfully I never let it get to me. Because the people I meet there where the best people I could find. My coworkers kept me going though each day, I even liked my boss, even though he was an ass sometimes, but ironically, that is what made him, him.

So I relay tired very hard to get back on track during the school year 2014. But at the same time a huge dividing line hit me so hard. Get your act together in collage, or go finish the script. I eventually cracked and got back on my mod more than my schooling, resulting in yet again another failing year. I still did not have my script done by summer. But I was doing a bit better in collage. In all honesty, all this time in my years in collage, I did not know who I wanted to be or what to do. Maybe collage was not for me? In the fall of 2014, I eventually cracked and told my father the truth. Even though a deep fear burned inside me all those years, the fear of failing both collage and keeping my "promises" to the voice actors of getting my story done. My father took it surprisingly well, but was very disappointed in me. But I was even more
and more disappointed in myself. I failed collage, and failed the people who are still waiting for the story to be done so they can do the voice acting.

But most of all, I have failed you guys! You the watchers and fans of this mod. Forget the collage, I never relay cared, I just feel so bad that I have been keeping this almost on hiatus. I was honestly...lazy...That is the one and only true reason why this is taking so long. But at the same time, other emotions have also kept me from relay working hard on getting the story done. I know in my mind I can get a whole 5 sections of levels done if I had all day and nothing else to do, but who am I kidding, we do not have that these days.

A couple of weeks ago, I was relay thinking of just dropping the mod. I almost hit the archive button. Because I knew I had all these mixed fears inside of me. The fear of being a failure to the voice actors because I am taking too long, the fear of failing the quality of the mod, the fear of seeing very bad review scores, and most of all the fear of my own self. I hated almost every day in the past few weeks, this burning inside of me saying "You can't do it! You took too long to finish your story and you had all the time in the world. The voice actors will probably put quits on you for the lazy actions you kept taking! YOU FAILED!"

As of now, I no longer work at Walmart. I have a much better job, one that I can build a career on. I am no longer in school and just focusing on my job, I should be happy right? Wrong! Even to this firkin month of February I still did not touch my story one bit. I even set a date to when I was going to get the story finished, I even promised the voice actors that I would get it done by March 7th, I know that won’t happen. I know my job, I should do it. But every time right now I look at the story, I just feel that I am at a brick wall I can’t break though! I know most of everything in my story is new and fresh, but its those small but very much crucial gaps that I half to fill. But I did realize another element of story that I needed that I could add, that I should have added. I got this idea after reading a raunchy erotic novel. Don't worry, there will be no sex scenes in the mod. The only descriptive intimate situations will be described in Julia's diary from the past. I think this is key honestly in describing the relationship Henry has with Julia. I want the player to know they had romantic feelings for each other, obviously since they are married. But it also shows later how Henry loves Julia deeply, this makes since to do because later in the story, other elements of story will play out that are the causes of Henry and Julia's intimate days. Going back to the novel, what I paid attention to the most was the way the characters interacted with each other in the situations they were in. I mentioned I never read books, was I missing out! No not because of that reason. I felt I was part of these characters lives and there world, felt as if I was there. I even cried a few times because the story drama was that good. So that what inspired me to add another layer of story that I needed. Thus having these Julia and Henry flashbacks is key moments in there marriage and Julia's diary. So where was I? Ah yes, my brick wall of my story I had to face.

At the same time while having this story brick wall in front of me, I also feel fear in me of the reasons I mentioned above. Fear of failing basically. Maybe that is what is keeping me from continuing. I honestly think it is.

This is how I honestly feel right now. And I will re frame from mentioning names. I honestly feel that one voice actor does not want to be part of this project anymore. I try to talk things out, see how things are going, progress of the mod, but nothing. I get no response. I feel as if it is a sign of pushing away. And sadly I have been though this on a personal level before from a past friend, a friend that I've been with for all of my childhood…which hurt me very much.

Maybe that is why, complex emotions from the past correlating to a familiar territory. I can’t relay pinpoint my lack of motivation and fear, but I think it’s a mix of everything that I mentioned all above.

So that is pretty much how I stand right now. This is how I feel about myself, the project, and in deep concern and worried at the same time of the voice actors.

So with the fans of the mod watching the progress, the voice actors who are still waiting for the script, I am very deeply sorry for my failing actions. I know I could have finished the script a long time ago; honestly I could if I put my 110% into it, but all these mixed emotions, lack of motivation, the story brick
wall, are just having me on yield. I know in my heart that I have something special here. I want to express the story, level worlds, the music score I will compose, I want to express it all!

Well that is that. That is what I feel right now. If you got this far, I deeply thank you for your patience in this project. Thank you!

Edit: 2/25/2015 - 6:27 am:
I know the mistakes I've made in the past, its time to set things right.

Comments
Slanderous
Slanderous

Man, you really seem to love writing. No needs to feel sorry, it's your mod and you have other stuff to deal with than Amnesia modding. Glad it's not dead at all!

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Patrick_Winekiller
Patrick_Winekiller

Man up, show some professionalism and finish the job or quit. No regrets, no excuses, no fear. It is what it is. Personally, I think finishing last is better than not participating in the race at all, but I can see this being a subjective advice.

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jssjr90 Author
jssjr90

I'm doing this for free, and I think "showing professionalism" is a little harsh. I'm not going to quit on this project, and I am sorry that you did not understand it seems.

I am only human, who has human emotions. I deeply felt that I should have let everyone know of how I felt about this project, so that's what I did.

But you are free to your opinion and I respect that.

Reply Good karma+4 votes
Patrick_Winekiller
Patrick_Winekiller

Professionalism would benefit this project (which is what you want, right?). Doing it for free is not an excuse for showing lack of professionalism - this kind of thinking actually makes me sad. Nobody expects it, sure I can agree, but the less it's expected, the more the impact it will have. Just my two cents.

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StaydMcButtermuffin
StaydMcButtermuffin

This hits home in so many ways. The fear of failure, the apprehension of feeling that you've let everybody down, the anxiety of knowing you can't finish something when you want to, the lack of motivation, the creative brick wall, all of it rings uncomfortably true.
It's how I've been feeling for months, though I think you have it worse.
So far as I can tell, it's part of the creative process. Not for every creative endeavor, at least I hope not, but definitely the first. It's something of an obstacle to overcome, but there's no clear way to get past it.
I'm still terrified everybody will think my custom story's complete **** when I release it, whenever that may be. I've failed on so many promises and deadlines, I'm not even sure it's worth the effort to try anymore.
We'll all take it differently, but the important thing to take away is that you're not alone in feeling this way.

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jssjr90 Author
jssjr90

I am glad I was not the only one. I thought I was. I am going to work on Henry and Julia flashback script lines though out the week, look at a different side of the story for once. Maybe its for the best, clear my brain with new creative thoughts.

Reply Good karma+1 vote
impala-of-mayfair
impala-of-mayfair

No apologies needed. Take your time. Story is important in gaming! We're all really looking forward to the mod and we want it to be up to your expectations so you'll be proud of your work. We're willing to wait if it means better game quality and more satisfaction from the mod creator. :)
If it makes you feel better, I'm a writer failing all my college classes too.

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BlasterLizardCo
BlasterLizardCo

Take your time man! Everyone have hard moments. We are here to help you and to support you in your work, for everything you need! No need to apologize. We will be always supporting you. We believe in you and we will always believe.

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TheUnbeholden
TheUnbeholden

While feelings can help bring motivation, they can do the opposite to. Best to put it all aside and be organised, stick to a timetable, criticizing your own work can be a good way to motivate, you can always create more stuff its making sure that whats there is good that can be tricky. Some initial planning helps but doesn't always go that way. No need to be apprehensive of what people will think aslong as its how you want it to be after being critical on it over the course of this creative process. I personally find it hard to remove something & I always want perfection, I think the first part can be a flaw for anyone who's going through a long creative process and the second part is a flaw if you take perfection too far and continually add more and more content way past what you originally intended. There has to be a limit on much you want to add, perfectionist's find it difficult to admit that at some point.

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