Blogs - eskilo

?? Day
I lsot the days again, I have been taking 3 medicines, depakote, daforin and zyprexa… God, they harm me, i H AVE stopped taking them for 2 days.. Nothing changed, they just stop me for noticing the truth, my breakdwons, they are back, and with them my visions…I wish I could play games like grey or cry of fear without having a breakdown…
HATE, THATS WHAT I’M FEELING, AND THE URGE TO PLAY SOMETHING RELATED TO IT…

Today is a bonus day, I don't know what day is it.. I'm confused, I don't know... My feelings are hurting me, I feel anxious... I feel bad, i DDON'T have much to wirte. I'm in love but at the same time I hate myself.. i FEEL i HAVE TO CUT MEYSELF. He's watching, i know it. My stomach hurts, so much... IT HURTS.. I want someone to take care of me, I want her..

I HAVE LOST THE DAYS IW AS COUTNING. i FEEL PARANOIC, feel bad, feel cut myself, I want a kitty cat… I want… I feel dead… wi feel in my own world… I don’t know what to say. My mind is so full of htings… passing really fast, mye eyes… they blink so much..

I don't even know if people are reading this shti, It's my personal stuff, I'm not making shit up.. I have serious mental problems, I wish it was a game, where I could save anytime, redo my problems, but real life is worse, is living with 1 continue, in a sandbox world, where everything you do change the world... I don't know how to change the world, except for studying algorithyms and trying to be a modder... I hope the best for everyone, but for me.. I don't have anymore hopes, just living... TRYING TO LIVE. That's my torture, my limbo.
Things aren't the same, things change... things goes, comes, goes and comes again... All the shit you tried to relieve in the past is coming back to haunt you. To kill you inside, to burn your intestines...
EVERYTHING COMES BACK
Don't say you're the only one, 7 billion of possibilities... You will have someone to share shit..
I don't give a fuck if you believe me or not, The truth is only one with me...

37th day
Worst nightmare again, tortured, I felt like I was on hellraiser… I saw hell… How everybody dies, goes there, there’s no heaven, only hell.. Only torture. I saw my heros being tortured and dying there, I saw the end of the days somehow.. I don’t feel good..

nnotrhing to do. nothing to think about, i’m happy… but i’m havong some troubles
Actually, I feel kinda great, but still want to kill something, THAT URGEEEE, keeps rising every night.. I have to stop it.. but i feel great. I love her so much... Thing are going right for the first time

34th day
I’m certain it’s 34th… I almost cut myself yesterday, like he did with me, he’s getting control over me.. I better try to get soem help, but… I don’t htink my parents are going to let me, or if my girlfriend’s mother will be happy with it.. But I need help, i NEED HEL´P.
They don't understand, he'll be back to kill me, but I'm him, he can't kill me, unless he dies HAHAHAHA. HE CAN'T KKILL ME..

So, I had the best weekend, but… Sad… so sad, that sadness came already, I don’t feel my body right, everything is so ruined inside me…I feel like, my girlfriend don’t like me anymore like she did, she’s seeing how I am, how I care about her, how I really am, so stupid, stupid… retarded…I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t feel safe of myself..

I didn’t take my medicine, I’m ok with this…. She will love me forever…. I hope so… I guesS I dreamt with my another personality again, we were on war… I don’t remember too much in the dream..

I don’t know what he’s planning to.. I’m afraid so my masters are dead

HE'S COMIGNA BACK
HES'1 AOCMGIUN
~IM UNDER FHIS PRESSURE
HEJKL´P

I want to die, kill myself, my soulless body, my inutility.I'm so useless, USELESS USELESS USELEES USLEESS USLSS LSSS

31th day?
Last night, was so beautiful, I know I fucked myself with alchoohol, but fuck that, one of the best nights ever.I don’t regret a thing, also, I forgot about him, that calmed him maybe…. Hope I get to see some person soon.My love just came out of the hospital yesterday, I’m relieved she’s better from her hemorragie.I don’t have anything bad to say, yesterday was a great day for me… Once at all

30th day?
I don’t really know what day is today, but yesterday night, I got high, really high, one of the best things ever, but… I still miss something, I miss my love, I actually almost got into a fight with her because of it..I don’t have to take away my ocmputer anymore, now I’m calm, things sorted out for me… until sometime, I have dreamt about him… My other personality, the warhammer head… I like to call him like that, he tortured me in his dreams already, I saw his place…I know he’s somewhere inside me, waiting till the sun goes down, to burn me from inside out.